“IT’S ALL ABOUT HIM”
The girl’s story who kissed a lot of frogs to get to the prince.
Lisa E. Scott is a native of the Chicagoland area. She lives and works downtown as a human resources professional and she has published her first work of a personal nature “It’s All About Him”.
In “It’s All About Him” the author goes into well-researched detail on the traits to look for and avoid, sharing her personal story of two narcissistic relationships.
HOY en Delaware interviewed her.
HOY en Delaware (HD): How many men’s archetypes do you think exist?
Lisa Scott (LS):I believe there are several different male archetypes, although it seems more and more, many of these separate archetypes are being categorized under diagnosable personality disorders, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). NPD was first recognized by the American Psychological Association (APA) in 1980. Once NPD was recognized and understood by more people, behaviors such as passive-aggressiveness folded into and under the personality disorder of NPD.
(HD) Do you think the narcissistic man is the most important of the all archetypes?
(LS) I believe it is the most concerning of our times. Considering we live in a world where politicians and CEOs think they can get away with anything, it is especially important for us to understand how these people think. Narcissists do not think the rules apply to them. They believe they are above the law and have a grandiose sense of entitlement. Ponzi scheme masterminds like Madoff and politicians like former Governor Rod Blagojevich, who allegedly tried to sell Obama’s senate seat to the highest bidder are perfect examples of how narcissism is taking over our society.
Another reason this personality disorder is so important for people to understand is because mainstream media and our society breed narcissism. Both Newsweek and Time published articles in May discussing how our youth are more narcissistic than their predecessors, and stating the epidemic is growing as much as childhood obesity.
Reality television is a big reason the younger generation is so much more narcissistic today. I grew up watching Family Ties, Growing Pains and the Cosby Show. Shows that promoted good values and taught important life lessons. Today’s youth are raised on reality television that consists of nothing more than people backstabbing and competing against each other to get ahead. What does this teach our youth? It teaches them if you don’t put yourself first, someone will stab you in the back. It breeds selfish narcissistic behavior.
(HD) How do you think this kind of man affects to the relationships? and
How did you felt in your two relationships with narcissistic men?
(LS) It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with a narcissist. This is because a narcissist is incapable of feeling love or empathy.
Narcissists need people more than anyone. They have very specific reasons for being in relationships, but they are not built on the universal need we all have, which is to love. Narcissists do not enter or stay in relationships for love.
Their motives are quite different. A male narcissist enters into a relationship with a woman in order to ensure someone will always be present to stroke his ego and cater to his needs.
Narcissists feed off of the attention they get from people.
Attention and adoration from others is what fuels them. It is like a drug to them and they are addicted to it. This attention they receive from others is often referred to as Narcissistic Supply (NS).
NS is any form of attention a narcissist receives from others. There are two types of Narcissistic Supply – Primary & Secondary.
Primary NS is the day-to-day changing attention and affirmation a narcissist receives from different people he encounters throughout his day. When he does not receive enough Primary NS to fulfill his desires, he turns to what is called Secondary Narcissistic Supply.
Secondary Narcissistic Supply is strictly for backup purposes. It is obtained from a narcissist’s significant other.
The significant other is a constant presence in a narcissist’s life. Therefore, they are always available and accessible to a narcissist, should he fail to get enough attention from the outside world that day.
Narcissists need to ensure they have a constant and reliable source of NS at all times. The best way they have found of doing this is to have a significant other in their lives.
They do not love this person, nor do they wish to be with this person most of the time. However, it is impossible to control how much attention or Primary NS one will receive from the outside world on a daily basis.
Since lack of NS is something a narcissist cannot bear, he must make certain he has a backup form of it that is always available to him. It is for this reason a narcissist seeks to secure a relationship with a woman.
He prefers primary NS because it is ever changing and dynamic, but when unavailable he will resort to Secondary NS…i.e. his significant other.
Being in love with a narcissist is a confusing state of a?airs, to say the least.
In the beginning, a narcissist makes you feel incredibly loved and valued. He appears to be head-over-heels in love with you and worships the ground you walk on. He writes you poetry, takes you out for romantic dinners, and ?nds all your little quirks endearing and adorable.
Once a narcissist feels he has obtained control of you (through marriage or moving in together), you will see a completely di?erent side of him that you never knew existed.
Narcissists have often been described as having a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. Once in control, a narcissist becomes demeaning and cruel.
A perfect example of this is Tom Cruise’s relationship with Katie Holmes. As you see now, he is very controlling of her and she seems very unhappy.
Trust me, this is not the behavior Tom Cruise exhibited when courting her. This is not how he won her over.
Once married, his true colors emerged and his controlling behavior became quite apparent.
Narcissists are oblivious to others and how their behavior a?ects people close to them. Unfortunately, this doesn’t make their behavior any less hurtful.
Narcissists dismiss the feelings, ideas, and opinions of others. They are condescending in their nature. They belittle, criticize, judge, and put others down. They can be blatant about it but are often quite subtle in their approach. They have a way of putting you down in such a way that you don’t even realize you have been insulted until you re?ect upon the conversation later.
While narcissists are oblivious to the fact that their behavior hurts others, it does not mean that at times, they are not deliberately abusive. A narcissist is purposefully abusive when the relationship with his signi?cant other changes in a way that is not to his liking.
An example of this would be when a signi?cant other becomes too close or clingy.
Intimacy terri?es a narcissist and he will respond by being purposefully abusive in order to push the person away.
Another example of when a narcissist would be intentionally abusive is when a signi?cant other voices her displeasure or threatens to leave the relationship.
By asserting abusive behavior, a narcissist believes he can maintain his dominance and control over his signi?cant other.
A narcissist has a way of turning everything around so you begin to question yourself. He will do something terribly mean or cruel. You will talk to him about it, but by the end of the conversation, you are the one apologizing for some reason. A narcissist knows how to manipulate better than anyone.
In my experience, a narcissist eventually becomes sarcastic and belittles you constantly.
You begin to feel you can do nothing right in his eyes and your presence is hardly tolerable. You’re ba?ed.
You wonder what you did wrong to cause such a drastic change in his feelings toward you. You struggle desperately to return things to the way they were in the beginning.
Unfortunately, as hard as you try, things will never be the same again. This is because everything he did in the beginning was an act to secure your love, nothing more. It is a maddening and precarious way to live. It can drive anyone to the edge of their sanity.
When I did take any real steps at ending either relationship, if verbally abusive behavior did not work to force me into submission, the false self would be the next weapon of defense in their artillery.
I think a narcissist believes if his false self worked once to win you over, it will work again to keep you around or win you back.
At this point he will lay on the charm. A narcissist knows when to charm and is sure to remind you that he understands you like no one else can or ever will. It is essential for a narcissist to make you believe only he can understand you.
By constantly telling you that you have problems and quirks only he can understand, you start to believe him and begin to feel unlovable in some strange paranoid way.
By telling you he loves you despite your ?aws, he hopes you will grow dependent on him. This is a narcissist’s way to ensure you will never leave him. It is narcissistic manipulation at its ?nest.
When a narcissist feels he is in control of you and is not threatened by any fear that you will ask for too much from him or leave the relationship, he will engage in escapist activity and appear as if he hardly notices you exist the majority of the time.
You are merely present to dispense secondary Narcissistic Supply (i.e. attention) should his primary NS fail to meet his needs for the day.This is when we must remember we did nothing wrong. It is all about him, ladies. A narcissist will simply discard people when he becomes convinced that they can no longer provide him with sufficient Narcissistic Supply.
Keep in mind, this evaluation of his is totally subjective and not grounded in reality at all. These men are delusional and you must not forget that. Suddenly because of boredom, a disagreement, an act or a failure to act, the narcissist swings from total idealization to complete devaluation.
He then disconnects from you immediately.
He needs to preserve all of his energy in order to obtain and secure new sources of Narcissistic Supply and sees no need to spend any of his precious time on you, whom he now considers useless. But please remember, he will repeat this same cycle with his new source of narcissistic supply.
It is inevitable. Be grateful this toxic abusive man is out of your life and never let him back in.
(HD) Our newspaper is focused to the Latin community, do you think the Latin men are more narcissistic than other nationalities’ men?
(LS) My book is based on personal experience falling for not just one, but two American pathological narcissists. While narcissism is a global phenomenon, I have not yet had the pleasure of dating a Latino, so I would prefer not to generalize.
(HD) This is your debut book, do you think that, after this first book,will you write others? About relationships too? Until now, which was your main professional activity?
(LS) I am Vice President of Human Resources for a professional services firm. I have been published twice in academic journals related to my profession and hold my Masters in HR from Loyola University Chicago. During my fifteen year career as an HR professional, I have seen a lot of narcissistic behavior in the workplace. My next book will discuss this growing problem and offer advice and coping strategies to those who have to work for or alongside a narcissist.
There is no denying that we live in an era of narcissism where people abuse their power whenever given an opportunity. Recent examples are former Illinois Governor Blagojevich trying to sell Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder or Madoff who “made-off” with other people’s life savings in a classic ponzi scheme. These notorious narcissists certainly reinforce the belief that “absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
My next book will explore this dynamic in work relationships. If you work WITH a narcissist, he will sabotage your career. If you work FOR a narcissist, he will make your life a living hell. My next book will be titled Narcissism in the Workplace.
(HD) What do you want to say to “Hoy en Delaware’s readers”?
(LS) It’s All About Him is a first-hand collection of red flag warning signs to help you avoid pathological narcissism in relationships.
The majority of literature on the topic of narcissism is written by doctors and mental health clinicians. While they are certainly qualified to discuss narcisssism, they do not know what it is like to try to love a narcissist. My book is a first-hand personal experience of falling for not just one, but two pathological narcissists.
This sometimes painful personal memoir acts as a self-help book on pathological narcissism – an increasingly prevalent psychological condition, which has also become a controversial “buzz word” of the new millennium due to the power of celebrity and globalization of pop culture.
Women need to feel understood and my messageboard is a safe place women can come, be heard, get advice and not be judged.
(HD) Do you want to add something more to your answers?
(LS) Being in a relationship with a narcissist is like riding a roller-coaster you can’t get off – it‘s exciting and exhilarating one moment and confusing and demoralizing the next.
I hope that my book, website, blog talk radio show, messageboard and public appearances will provide people with the support and understanding they need to avoid being taking advantage of by a narcissist, cope and live with a narcissist or in some cases, break free from one.